After five years of marriage, we are just getting to the point to where we are saving some money. Sometimes we eat out too much and we’re just not good with managing money. We pay our bills and do things we want to do, but we’re not in the financial position we could be in if we would tighten up the budget. For whatever reason, even before I was married, my family has always assumed I have money.
We have a mortgage, two car payments, utilities, credit card bills, furniture bills, etc. My mom has one brother and five sisters, and only one of them finished high school. The rest are on fixed incomes and only one of them is financially secure. They figure if a person buys a new home, a new car, goes out to eat, wears decent clothes, and takes a trip once a year, they must have money. They associate wealth with material things. I have heard them talk about how money mother other family members have based on the car they drive or what they purchase.
One of my aunts came into town yesterday. I was in the bedroom with her for 10 minutes and she said, “I need to borrow some money and don’t say you don’t have any this time either. Aunty needs to borrow a little money.” When she comes to town I almost always tell her I don’t have any money. My husband hears these things and it drives him insane. She has two adult children, one who is imprisoned and has been for the past 15 years. One who lives in the same state as she does but is unemployed.
My family is the type who has always stuck together. When one can’t make it the others chip in to make it possible. I think that’s great, and I was a tad bit more lenient with giving/lending money before I got married. But chances are you won’t get it back or they’ll bring up a time when they did something for you to make you feel obligated to give it to them. Now, it’s like they don’t realize (or care to realize) this is not just my money. My husband and I put our funds in one account. He doesn’t make me account for anything, but it’s only right to tell him if I’m lending someone $20.
He’s going to want to know what for and usually there’s no reason. It’s just because they asked. My husband is somewhat selfish because he is an only child and his family isn’t close like mine. It’s always been him and his parents, and they’re not the type to ask you for a dime – even in their worst moments. I’m not that type either. I’ll do without or it will have to be a severe emergency for me to ask anybody for a loan. But because of the way he was raised, he can’t understand why people would randomly ask you to borrow money.
I had to talk to my mom last year and tell her it was getting out of control. She’d ask every week and if I told her I didn’t have it one day she’d ask the next, and the next, and the next. She saw nothing wrong with it as long as she paid me back. But she and my aunts view me as selfish because I don’t money and I’m not free with my money like they are theirs. If we’re having something as a family I participate 100% and buy whatever they need. But to just dish out $20 here or $20 there, I can’t do it. My husband will sit back and be quiet but will fume inside.My family is always asking to borrow money. It annoys the hell out of my husband. What can I do to stop it?
Say No, or your inability to do so will be the dimise of your marriage. When you married your husband, he became your family. (yes the others are too). You have to be most concerned about what makes your household run smoothly and honestly, your husband has a very good point. It is not about being selfish, it is about not being a damn ATM.My family is always asking to borrow money. It annoys the hell out of my husband. What can I do to stop it?
Stop giving them money
Tell them no, and keep repeating yourself until you're blue in the face.
No...No....No...No....No.....maybe with the repetition they will get the hint :)
have a big row and make them feel bad that all they use you for is money and your a young married couple and you have important bills and savings and they are taking advantage or your good nature
you need to stand up to them now or it will go on forever
and if they do care then they are not your family are they ?
You need to tell all of them that from now on the ATM of you is closed. You do not have money to loan. If they insist you have money, reply that you do not have money to LOAN, period no exceptions.
You owe your husband to be responsible with your joint money and your family needs to stop thinking you are a wallet for themselves.
I know it's hard, but you HAVE to say no. It is not your job to support them. Not at all. Is it worth going to divorce court over? You are married and THAT is your first priority. Please grow a back bone (I mean this in the nicest way) and learn how to say no. It's going to destroy your marriage. It's going to be tough and you will meet a lot of resistance, but you need to be firm.
Tell them, ';No!';
just them
Simply tell your family ';No'; then change the subject. If they persist tell them that your answer is no and will remain no. Why do they keep asking for money? Have they no income of their own. Say ';NO'; and stay strong.
Simple actually, tell them you are struggeling and you are saving up for the family you are hoping to expand one day. if they can not respect that then they don't respect you. You deserve your own life too.
Tell your family that you can't afford it. They should be able to understand. Don't let the rest of your family cause you financial hardship because they are either not able to make it on their own. A helping hand is always good to help your family but don't let them take advantage of it.
Sweet Mildred is my leader...crawl into her playpen with me
You just say no. You both have to have stand up for yourselves. You're not being mean. Your priority is what's under your roof.
EDIT: Your family sucks. I wouldn't even consider them ';family'; with that type of selfish, manipulating behavior. The best way to help someone is not to hand it to them, but to help them help themselves. Tell them to get jobs.
Give them the money and stop bytching about it !!
I certainly would put an end to this nonsense. Asking for $20 here, $25 there can surely add up darn quickly. You work hard for your money, %26amp; NOT to be handing it out to your whole family. This is just NOT a bit fair of them. From now on, tell them you do NOT have an extra cent to spare. Ask them WHO is going to ';take care'; of you when you need money?! It surely is NOT going to be any of them. You have to STOP THIS immediately or they are going to bleed you dry. Tell them you yourself are cutting back on things so you'll have money for yourself in your future or that you'll at least have money to pay YOUR bills. You just CANNOT keep handing out money to them all the time. You MUST put a stop to it %26amp; tell them please please do not ask you again, because the ans. is going to be the same. You CAN do it, make up your mind %26amp; DO IT...best to you...:)
Well, if you keep giving it, what else are they supposed think?
Stop giving them money. Just say something like, ';I don't have it, we are paying of some credit card bills'; or ';I don't have it, we have started a Christmas Club and money comes out of our checks and goes straight to a Christmas account that we can't touch until the end of the year';...sure they might be white lies but it beats having your husband upset. I am sure your family also takes advantage of the fact that you will give them money. I am sure they overspend or live outside of their means and bank on the fact that they can get money from you. It takes some tough love here, but unless someone is about to be HUNGRY or HOMELESS, you shouldn't be giving out money like that.
Ask your family does it look like you and your husband have 1st National Bank written somewhere on your bodies?Hell these are all adult family or no family simply come out and tell them no.You shouldn't have to give a reason why that is your money JUST SAY HELL NO ..they will get the picture ...
If you keep doing what you have always done you will always get what you have always got.
So stop doing what you have been doing. When asked for 20 ask for 30 to make your car payment. When asked for 20 to friday ask for 50 till next month to pay the gas bill. Yes it is a bother but be funny a little and turn them down in a fun way. Let them know you were thinking of putting out a collection jar to pay your light bill since your car payment was so much this month. Get him to play along with you. Tell them to ask him and him say to ask your mother for that 20 she got last time. She did say she would have it by yesterday.
rd
Is there anyone else you want to be an enabler to, or is it just family members?
Seriously, your husband is right to be angry. You are being taken advantage of people that would bleed you dry. You allow this, you need to take back control of the situation for both of your sakes.
No more money! Realize they are not loans to family members, but rather free money to people that are related to you.
I will guarantee one thing though, when you do cut off the money, you are going to become the blacksheep of the family and the ';selfish one';. You will realize you weren't as close of a family as you thought. You are closest when you paid for it.
You have to say no. Your obligation is to your husband and your marriage and the future you are planning for together. These family members are simply taking advantage of you and your hesitancy to say no to them. You have a new life now, and you need to consider your husband and the life you are making with him. Just tell these family members that you don't have any money that you can spare. If you are consistent with that answer they will learn it's fruitless to badger you.
Whether or not you have the money isn't the issue. It isn't your job to supplement your family with money, no matter what was done in the past. That was then, this is now. Of course, they aren't going to like it, but that is their problem, not yours. From this day forward, you need to come up with a ';standard response'; when they come to you with their hand out. Something like, ';Sorry, but you seem to be living under the illusion that I have money to ';lend';. That is no longer true. Please don't ask me again.'; No further explanation or justification is needed. If you say it like you mean it and follow through by never giving in again, eventually they will stop asking. Good luck.
Have been where you are ! And one day when I had enough of everyone that was too lazy or ignorant to realize how much they were hurting my wife and I. We made some changes. Had a friend draw up a legal ';loan note';. Where the name went is was blank. Along with the interest to be charged, length of note, amount of total pay back, and a place for signatures and witnesses.
Have not had one family member, or friend, ask for any money since shown the note ! But they still like to come stay and mooch off of us every once in a while.
You're going to have to be blunt about it. Bring up in a nice way that not every single person in the family contributes and that it's not fair. Let them know that you HAVE to start saving money so you can get started on a family -- or whatever. They have to respect your husband as well. If it were the other way, I'm sure your family would complain about his family if they were always bothering him for money. And that's not even the point, you need to safe for yourself. If they really love you, they'll get over it. Unfortunately there are many family members who take advantage of other family members. I'm sure you will feel very guilty (which is normal), but you have to do what you have to do. Family does not put obligations on others. You can help, but like you said, $20 here, $20 there, it all adds up. Maybe you can set X-amount of money on the side every month and just limit it to that. It can be $20 a month. You're still contributing and you're not being taken advantage of. If they ***** about that, then you know what really matters to them, sadly.
I say no also.
But I have a suggestion if you can't say no.
Go to each one of them and borrow the amount they normally borrow from you. Put it in a separate account. When they come to borrow it, it will be theirs not yours they are borrowing.
Or when they ask to borrow from you, say oh, I was just about to ask you if you had money I could borrow....sorry.
Otherwise, tell them, you wish you could continue helping them as you once did before marriage. Now things have changed, they need to go to the husband to borrow from now on.
Eventually they will become ashamed to ask him for it.
Good luck!
Tell them you are not a bank or lending institution. If you keep loaning, they will keep asking. Stop giving, start saying NO and you will stop getting the requests. It is under your control
well its pretty disgusting that they ask you and not you and your husband.
if i were your husband i would go crazy at you.... if you wanted your own money , then why get married... i dont get it...
you say your family all help one another etc, but it sounds like they are a bunch of no gooders who are lazy and not even into finishing school to better themselves.
i would never help people like that.
and i would respect my husband and tell them to ask HIM
well it is tough but you do just need to stay no. it almost sounds like they are trying to live off of you. i would have a hard time saying no to mom and dad but if they dont ever pay it back then tough. one thing my dad has always said is that if i have the money and you pay me back you can borrow all you want. I owe my dad over 50k because i bought a business and the business flopped because i was lied to but i pay him every month and will pay him. it is very simple if they pay you back you can lend it if they dont they dont get anything period. make it simple.
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