Kind of Long: Mother on a fixed income. We can't afford to help. Causing problems at home. What can I do?

My mother’s side of the family is very giving. I have five aunts and one uncle. My two eldest aunts have been the backbone to the rest of the family. If someone needs something to wear to a funeral or wedding, they will see to it that the other siblings have what they need. By no means are they rich but they are in a better position than the rest.



I can also be a very giving person when I’m in a position to do so. My mother is on a fixed income of $550-600 per month. She lives in another state but comes to town once a year to care for my elderly grandmother. In fact, she’s been here for almost 15 months.



The other siblings don’t take care of my grandmother either because they are too lazy or because they are unable to due to health issues. My eldest aunt gives my mom money and buys her clothes each month for her loyalty to my grandmother. The others don’t pay one red cent.



My mother has smoked marijuana since before I was born and I am 32 years old. She doesn’t have a lot of bills but as you know $550-600 doesn’t stretch very far. She pays about $140 for rent and is responsible for her electric, phone bill, life insurance, and food. She does not have a car, cell phone, or cable.



I don’t have a problem with her habit – that’s her business. But she spends money she doesn’t have and expects others, including me and her eldest sisters, to feel sorry for her when she’s out of cash. She rarely asks me to borrow money anymore because that had become a habit over the years, even before I was married, and I had to tell her it had gotten out of hand.



My grandmother is also on a fixed income and although she gets cash and a minimal amount of food stamps, my mom claims she spends all her money buying groceries and paying bills at my grandmother’s house. She had the same excuse when she was at home.



I know she gets marijuana on credit and borrows from others to get it when she wants it. Then she has to pay people back once she gets her check. It’s a vicious cycle that puts her in the hole. She is not obese, but also seems to have an obsession with spending a lot of money on groceries each month. She has someone taking her to the store every other day.



My husband knows she smokes marijuana so anytime I tell him about an financial problem she is having he doesn’t have much sympathy. He feels the same way I do – she does what she wants with her money, regardless of how much it is, and has come to expect somebody else to pickup the slack.



For the first couple of years we were married, I dished out money helping her get an airline ticket either here or back home. If I didn’t do it my eldest aunt did. I can think of one time in the past five years that she’s purchased her own ticket. Now, she’s ready to go back home and is trying to find a way to get there. I haven’t offered. We are expecting a child and are really tigtening up on our spending habits.



Today I was talking to her and she said one of her friends want her to go out of town with them for a few days. She always has this sad tone in her voice when she mentions something about going somewhere. She is homebody and the only thing we can get her to do is go out to eat (which we pay for 100% of the time).



I knew the next line she was about to release was, “I wanna go but I don’t have any money.” It’s been this way for years. I realize she doesn’t get much, but she doesn’t set goals or try to save anything. She just assumes she won’t be able to go or buy what she wants especially if someone else isn’t expensing it.



My husband and I are far from rich, but we both work full-time. It is assumed that we have money because we have a house, two cars, and no kids. But we are not the best when it comes to managing money. We’re trying to get there and pay off some of our bills and get things 100% caught up.



All my family has seen are we are two selfish individuals who should help my mother. Whenever I get a bonus I try to buy her something nice and I always spend quite a bit on Mother’s Day, Christmas, and for her birthday. If I have enough to be generous I will, but we cannot afford to hand out money like an allowance.



Although nobody has said this to us directly, we know that’s how they feel because there’s been comments made. It really bothers my husband because his parents, who are also on fixed incomes (although they get much more than my mom), doesn’t ask for a dime. They’re just not the type.



It’s actually pretty embarrasing because when I do break down and ask if he’d mind if I helped my mom get an airline ticket, he’s looking at me like, “Doesn’t she get a check?” or “Does she have any money to contribute toward it?” He can’t phathom why smebody else should have to pay her way.



This is causing problems for us. What should I do? Do we sound selfish? Am I wrong?Kind of Long: Mother on a fixed income. We can't afford to help. Causing problems at home. What can I do?
What is your mothers disability?



This relationship goes against the ';cycle';-- which is parents help the kids -help their kids- help their kids and so on...That is why it is seen as ';abnormal'; I really don't play much into her ';weed'; habit- with living on $600.00 a month she can not be wasting too much on marijuana, there just isn't enough there to waste and with having to pay rent, food, utilities, it would seem IMPOSSIBLE for her to be able to save money-- [I don't know how people can do it] BUT here is where the line should be drawn.. If she is capable of living off of her fixed income, then she will just have to make do with not having extras for traveling/marijuana..If she is blowing her livinging expenses on marijuana, then she will have to learn that once she can not pay back for her supply the dealers will stop supplying her [and thats what needs to happen]

You should stop feeling guilty that you can not support your mother, if you mother needed medicine or food I could see you going overboard trying to get those necessities but not for weed and for her to travel--NOT when your trying to pay your own bills and tend to yourselves..You have to understand that you are a good giving person if its NECESSARY, you do help your mother if it's NECESSARY, so there is no need for guilt.. And somehow your mother needs to know that she is on a fixed income and there is no room for ';habits';

You do not sound selfish, so pay no mind to other family members who mumble, they just want you to foot the bill so they won't get asked to do so...Best wishes...:)Kind of Long: Mother on a fixed income. We can't afford to help. Causing problems at home. What can I do?
You take her out to dinner, buy her something nice you think she can use. Give her a little bit of money for herself if you can afford too, buy her an airplane ticket and get her back home. How she gets back to where you are is her problem. anybody who does what she does deserves no sympathy. She will have to learn to get by on what she has. I know it sounds like tough love but there is no other way
Interesting situation and I doubt you will come up with a satisfactory answer; but here goes:



You and your husband are wrong to think her smoking habit is really the issue. Imagine your Mother as an alcoholic! Would it be better if she spent 5 or 10 bucks a day for her bottle? I think this part of the equation is a no brain-er. Your Mother is low income and there's no two ways about it. Part of the solution is to get her to move, which should be easy, as you say she feels responsible for her Mother, then logically she needs to be near her more. This would accomplish a couple of things. Besides the care taker type help she is providing, she too will become eligible for food stamps, which means no more hard cash for groceries (you could also look into a food bank, they are everywhere). Next, if your Mother is in the home with her Mother she qualifies for certain Medicare type benefits; from home discount respite care, to full blown hospice (palliative care), Medicare paid palliative care pays for just about all medication also.



You also need to consider what would happen if you or your husband came to the same dead end street when you become seniors. What would your opinion be regarding family help? I suspect you would want some... Your husband needs to think in terms of him passing away early and what happens to you. Sure life insurance is good but will it last for the next forty years or however long you are destined to live?



There's nothing, if we don't have family, even if they have problems (that would be to some extent). Your problem with your Mothers habit is not unfounded but should not be the determining factor in your decision making process. You should continue to convince her to quit as it's unhealthy and illegal and not in the best interest of her family, which includes you and your Grand Mother.



In the end I say help her with ground rules, that is, this is it Mom; you do this our way and that's it....Good luck:)
You allow you mother to smoke marijuana in your house? I know that doesn't mother you, but she's putting you and your husband in jeopardy.



Clearly, she hasn't learned to budget her money. And why not? Because she doesn't have to. As long someone else gives her what she wants, she will never have to. That person is the enabler.



Still, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can try to sit down with her and scratch out a budget on pen and paper, but somehow I don't think she'll stick to it. If I were you and your husband, I would cut my losses, tell her you love her, buy her a plane ticket and send her on her merry way.



If your husband won't go for that idea, then you make the sacrifice and save what you can towards the cost of a ticket. Get the other family members (even your mother!) to ante up whatever few bucks they can spare. Do what you have to to protect your marital relationship.



The next time she comes into town, you can visit her at someone else's house.