Situation with caring for a grandparent? Might be a bit long, sorry in advance?

Some background: My grandparents had 3 children, my mother and 2 uncles. When my grandfather passed away my mother was put in charge of my grandmother's finances, care etc (she has Alzheimer's). This worked out well until my mother remarried and left the state. She passed on responsibility to my youngest uncle. My older uncle is pretty well useless. Anyway, my younger uncle is going through difficulties as his wife has breast cancer, he also has a full time job. I understand that things are rough for him right now, but even before the trouble with his wife I felt that he wasn't on top of things with my gram.



For example, I feel that she should be seen and diagnosed by a doctor. There is no cost because she has tricare (military)and medicare. The only time she's been to a doctor is when she fell and broke her wrist. My uncle went to the emergency room with her and all other orthopedist visits etc. were handled by me. She was supposed to do physical therapy. I took her to 6 visits and scheduled the rest, but I had to go out of state for 2 weeks. When I came back, I checked with her PT and she had not been taken (my uncle was supposed to take her) and when I rescheduled her, she insisted that my uncle said she didn't have to go so refused to even get in the car with me.



I do not know the exact state of her finances and in my family it's beyond rude to inquire or question how another members bills etc. are being handled, so I hesitate to ask my uncle anything about his budgeting for her. My mother and older brother recommend that I don't ask for fear my uncle will declare himself done with it and make me do it. I'm worried though, because this winter she ran out of fuel twice and there are other little things that bother me. I'm over there nearly daily and do a quick inventory of food, toilet paper, that sort of thing. At first I just left a list for my uncle, but when I realized he didn't do a weekly shopping or pay any attention to my notes, I just started picking up the necessary items. My older brother sends me a bit of money to defray this expense and I save receipts and am accountable for these funds.



Yesterday I visited for the first time in 10 days (my daughter was severely ill with Lyme's Disease) and my younger brother showed up to mow the lawn (this was originally supposed to be my uncle's son's duty, but wasn't getting done). I should add here that both my little brother and I have worked in the elder care field (him for much longer, like 6 years). He told me that when he had come by the week before, there was no food in the house and he restocked her refrigerator with easy to fix things (she can use the microwave still) and bought her tea, milk, juice, sugar and creamer. He was furious and we discussed the fact that there are many benefits she is eligible for and not receiving, like fuel assistance and home care.



My older brother will be visiting this weekend and I feel like all Hell is going to break loose.



My question really is though, with two sons still in the state and the fact that both of them have children over 21, am I wrong to feel that my brothers and I shouldn't have to do this alone and with no legal standing? I resent the fact that out of us grand kids, only my brothers and I are involved in her care and I'd LOVE to give my cousins and uncles an earful, but the policy in my family is don't rock the boat, we all seem to be unwilling to have a confrontation.



So what can I do without offending my family?? I'm asking in this category because not only will the opinions be more intelligent, I can ask what would you like done if you were the grandparent???Situation with caring for a grandparent? Might be a bit long, sorry in advance?
I think you and your siblings may need to put this quite plainly and objectively to your youngest uncle. Plan to the minutest detail what you are going to say and have the meeting on neutral territory, such as at a park bench near your grandmothers place. Plan it as an afternoon tea on the Weekend.



Tell your uncle about your concerns that your grandmother is being neglected by others except you and your siblings, stating specific examples with dates etc. Remind him that it was arranged for him to be responsible for your grandmothers care and finances. Remind him also that most people have jobs and also get ill or have ill family members. Let him know that if an agreement can not be reached that day about firm arrangements with him, then steps will need to be taken as to the appointment of a new guardian for your grandmother. Remind your uncle that you are all adults and hissyfits will not be given an audience.Situation with caring for a grandparent? Might be a bit long, sorry in advance?
First of all, it's impossible not to offend someone in the family. From what I'm reading here, forgive me if I'm wrong, each one wants to shove the responsibilities of your grandmother's care off on the next one. (I recognize it.)



I agree with the first answer.. The dear lady deserves more than this in her final years. If she's got the funds available, I don't see why she's not allowed to go to a facility that cares for Alzheimer's patients. Somethings not right here and if it takes a ';rumble'; within the family, oh, well. I hope there is someone like you and your brothers in my corner when the time comes. Best of luck to you.
I think each person should be assigned a certain time to do things for her. She took care of everyone. You should not have to do it alone, but if you continue to do it, then you will continue to do it. Why avoid a confrontation, because it is time for one.
Sometimes the Sh*t has to hit the fan ...before changes come about . There is nothing complicated about this issue ...the fact is ...your uncle is not taking care of you grandmother and it appears no one is looking out for her well being only you and your brothers . This is an old lady and she deserves to have someone fight her corner for her . if she has Alzheimer's , then she is not be a position to understand what is really going on and things could get really bad for her . You and you brothers should forget about being rude or hurting your uncles feelings....It's your grandmother that is the most important person in all of this . I would also like to say ....you are very good grandchildren to be so concerned for her welfare . Go take the bull by the horns and deal with it , but do it in a calm /mature / logical way...just stick to the point of your grandmothers welfare , don't allow yourself to be side tract by any other points your uncle might bring up .
I think I would need a question answered before I could answer yours. Your mother may have moved out of state or even half way around the world but the world has become a much smaller place where communication no matter where you are is easy. Since your mother was the one obligated in the first place to take care of your grandmother, Why has she not stepped into this to make sure your grandmother is taken care of? As I see it, it is still foremost her responsibility to see that your uncle takes care of her properly since it was her who put your grandmother in his care. Other than that, Why are you too chicken to stand up to your family who quite obviously are too selfish to take their responsibilities with your grandmother? either lay the law down to them, take it to the law so someone else can take care of her, or quit complaining and take care of her yourself.
I'd agree with the other answers above. If your uncle is neither willing nor able to do this for your grandmother, and you are pretty much doing it yourself anyway, its time to make a stand. Maybe, to give the benefit of the doubt, your uncle may just feel overwhelmed by this responsibility which he has inherited from your absent mother. I wonder what her opinion of this is ? Does she have any input ?



Anyway, what people think or feel is irrelevant in this situation. Its what they DO that is important. You are doing the care....if you are willing to continue, schedule a non-threatening talk with your uncle, and ask if he would like you to take over. He may as you say, ';declare himself done with it';, and be happy for you to take over. Since it is actually your mother who was originally made her carer, it would seem like a natural thing for you to take on the job.



I don't know your family - they seem to like to avoid confrontations - so talk to him in a friendly way and make him realize that you have his interests at heart, as well as your grandmothers.



If he agrees to this, get it in writing, get legal power of attorney, and look after your gran as you want to. She is the only important person in this picture , as you know. Look after her.....she is very fortunate to have you. Best Wishes to you.