How would you handle this?

My son and daughter-in-law live in my home. I currently reside out of state for my career. They are young and want to save money to buy a home, so I offered to let them live in my house, rent free, for 2 years. The arrangement was verbal - they can live there rent free, but they are to pay their own utilities and maintain the house. We have a couple of projects that need to be completed, I pay for materials and they are supposed to complete the work. I stay there when I visit, usually every couple of weeks. They have been there for 8 months. My d-i-l is actually pretty good about keeping up with the house and yard. The house is clean, the grass is cut, the snow is shovelled. However, the drywall project my son was to complete hasn't been done. To top it off, I've been informed by the d-i-l that she needs to be asked if it's okay for me to visit. I have no problem letting her know I'll be home. But asking permission? What do you think?How would you handle this?
It's YOUR property. You tell your DIL that YOU will make the rules and you will visit as was agreed upon when you offerred the use of YOUR home to them. If she wants to disagree then they can find another home.



Also, if it was me, and my son had promised to do a job as part of the agreement, then if he failed to come thru, he would be lookin for his own home.



You are way way way too nice to them. Rent free home and they are sayin you need to ask permission. Man I woulda booted em out at the first suggestion of such a thing.



So you get tough with them and tell them it's your house and if they wanna stay there then they you will not be requiring their permission to use your property and that any jobs will be completed as agreed. Don't let them push you around.How would you handle this?
She probably just wanted some advance notice so the house can be in order. It sounds like she respects your deal. However, kick you son in the butt! He should be working on the drywall.
SHe just means it would be nice to have a notice when your coming because it can become an invasion of privacy without a notice. But since it's your house and they live rent free I would tell her what's up.
Not only so she can get the house in order, but they may have other plans for that time. Even though it is your house, you gave it to them to live in for two years. So it is their home for that time. I don't think they will ever say no, they just want to be asked. But your son, yeah, you should sit him down for a talk. If he agreed to these projects, then he should do them.
I would give it the benifit of the doubt, I wouldnt jump the gun, she probably wants to know in advance, but if you are talking actual permission for it to be ok for you to be there then she needs to get real. And if you think your son has had adequate time to do the project and hasnt started, I would talk to him and tell himit needs to be done it is part of the stipulation of them living there rent free.
Change your vocabulary. You are not ';visiting';, you are coming home for a few days.



Allowing them to think of the home as theirs, while you are the visitor sends the wrong message. This was an agreed upon arrangment whereby certain ';projects'; were to be done in lieu of paying rent. If your son can't find the time to do the projects, then he needs to pay someone else to do it. Expect them to be adults in this arrangement, and keep up your end of the deal. There is nothing wrong with reminding them what the deal was, in case your son misunderstood.



You are being very generous.
Thats a little weird to me. Its your house. She might just want to know if your coming so she can clean up and make things nice for you before you get home. (might slack off a bit during the week or whatever we all get busy sometimes and let the housework go) by asking you to let her know this ensures her that your guaranteed not to come home to a mess. I would say ';I'll let you know when I'm coming home but its my house and I don't need permission from you. In addition how much have you saved for a house yet? The market is great right now for first time home buyers but its very expensive and you only have 16 months left. (just a small reminder to her not to get to comfortable). Say it in a nice calm tone of voice so you don't come off defensive or anything just make it sound like your concerned about their future but really you'll also be reminding them in a nice way its your house and your doing them a favor.
Even if you own the house they are the one who are living. To visit anybody'd house you have to atleast ask before coming.

It will not be good to just walk into their house. They may be in weird position or they have to clean house before initing people.

To me asking them is okay. I don;t think they will refuse you.

Even with free house it is difficult to live with mother in law for 8 months. That may be the reason she is stressed out.
For very basic privacy issues, sure you should say, ';I'll be over next Tuesday'; (etc.) But 'permission'?! No way. They should be asking YOU for permission to do things not the other way around. I have a horrible mother and they should be doing projects x10 to show how appreciative they are of your very generous support and kindness. They are SO blessed to have you.
I think she said this to you for privacy. Maybe she even wants to make sure the house is clean for your arrival. If you have a good relationship with her then it should be no problem. But your son should get to the drywall.
Let me just start out by saying that what you are doing is really really great. You are helping out your son and his wife greatly by letting them live in that house rent free! I am sure that they are extremely grateful to you. Furthermore, you have to understand that even though it is your home, they are still a grown up, married couple who are just living like anybody else. I am sure that they love your company, but just need to know ahead of time to prepare for it. Keep in mind that they need their privacy too, whether they are in your house or anyone Else's. But dont worry about it... and just kick your son in the butt if he doesn't get that drywall done! ha ha!
I bet they think you're going to sign over the deed any day now. You do need to talk to them about this. Maybe you need to make a written agreement. You need to do something to prove to them that it's not their house. Maybe you could let another friend stay in a room for a few months.
I bet I know how you are feeling. As mother-in-laws we have to watch everything we say and just how we say it. We have boundaries and rules to follow more strict than any other human. Heaven forbid we cross any line. We have the highest standards to live up to and are chastised for the least little thing we do wrong. There is no middle ground, either we ';obey and follow'; the way our daughter-in-laws want us to be or we are worthless, evil, rude, ect., ect.,ect. It's almost like they act as a parent and we are the child. Then they put their poor hubby's in the middle. It is their way or no way.



You are feeling like you went above and beyond to help you son and daughter-in-law out. And you did. This is the way she is thanking you, you need HER permission to stay at your own home? I would feel upset, slighted and ';just who does she think she is';.



BUT for the sake of everyone and not to rock the boat, I would give them advance notice of when you will be staying. Not visiting. Don't say anything at this point (try and let it go) but from here on out let them know as soon as you can what YOUR schedule is and when you will be using your home. If this is not acceptable they will need to find other housing arrangements.
You need a written agreement, ASAP. It should outline exactly what is to be maintained (mow lawn, shovel snow, etc) as well as what projects are to be completed, and on what time line they are to be done. Any and all expenses they are to pay for, need to be outlined in this document. It also needs to state that, they are maintaining and completing these projects, to ';pay'; for their room and board, in your home! As it is your home, you will NOT ask permission to be in your home, but you will advice them as to when you will arrive, and when you will be leaving, and that you will give them x hours of notice (48 hours notice, etc), as a courtesy. Be sure to put the date that the contract will expire, which would be 2 years from the date they moved in. Everyone needs to sign this document, and have a copy for themselves. This way, everything is spelled out in writing, and should any more problems arise, you have covered yourself legally! Your DIL sounds like she needs someone to remind her who the homeowner is, and who is whom the favor!! If they are unwilling to sign such a document, I would ask them to vacate within 30 days.